Your Racist Uncle’s Favorite NBA Team

The New Orleans Pelicans just became your racist uncle’s favorite NBA team. Obviously this isn’t true — his favorite NBA is the college team he roots for. Exploitation of a youthful workforce for the purpose of increasing anonymous white septuagenarians is as American as gerrymandering or government surveillance. Or your racist uncle loves the Celtics. Celtics fans are like squares. Every square is a rectangle, but every rectangle isn’t a square. Every racist basketball fan I know is a Celtics fan, but not every Celtics fan is a racist. The Celtics exist on a plane of historical “whiteness” that is truly rarefied air. In 2008, Joe Willett of Bleacher Report endeavored to make a list of the greatest white basketball players of all-time. Presumably, it was written on a stationary Confederate flag before being transposed digitally. The list is all Celtics. Squares and rectangles man, squares and rectangles.

The National Basketball Association is black. The NFL is white; just ask any black player who knelt for the national anthem. The MLB is white; call Dexter Fowler and ask how the fans in St. Louis are responding to his remarks regarding President Trump’s act of writing “SIKE” on the statue of liberty. The NBA is black as hell. Players protest and speak out and rally around one another in response to perceived slights which are racially motivated. Phil Jackson may have had old spaghetti westerns in mind when he ruminated on LeBron James’ “posse,” but none of those old movies featured intelligent black men who regularly used their platform as an opportunity to shake us from our slumber.

LeBron will never be your racist uncle’s favorite player — he is far too political and complex. Your racist uncle is made uncomfortable by LeBron. He has to search for reasons to dismiss his brilliance. He will even try to tell you things like “LeBron or Bird in the final minutes? Give me Bird. EVERY. TIME.” You’ll look incredulously at your racist uncle because presumably he’s seen Larry Bird and he’s seen LeBron James in their primes. You’ll fix yourself into the confused shoulder-shrug emoji because LeBron would cook Bird’s ass. But your racist uncle has convictions. LeBron can never be his favorite player, because LeBron got what he wanted.

Agency and autonomy are ever and always the lines of demarcation for racial groups in our country. LeBron James exhibits both on a regular basis. He spent some time in Florida for business (something your racist uncle would do himself given the chance) and was vilified for it. He returned to his home state with an announcement interpreted as the height of pandering by racist uncles everywhere. The most treacherous thing LeBron did/does in your racist uncle’s view is use his considerable power to align himself with other powerful basketball players. He did so once in Miami and again in Cleveland, and has the audacity to request that management acquire even more capable coworkers! LeBron, this LeBron, this LeBron, this LeBron, this LeBron is a fully actualized person who has bent the system to his will in order to provide the best product. If he were in software engineering your racist uncle would… well, he’d probably never hear of him because racist uncles typically don’t read WIRED (“HEY THAT’S STEREOTYPING!” Say the racists). If LeBron were an oil tycoon (there it is) he would have a sports arena named after him. Racist uncles will always see LeBron as the black NBA player who wanted to play on super-teams.

Enter avid technical collector DeMarcus Cousins. Cousins is an astonishingly good basketball player. During the first half of the season, Cousins averaged 27 points and 10 rebounds per game. He’s also shooting over 35% from three while averaging the size of a damn grizzly bear. All this while playing alongside a parking lot attendant, two security guards, and the guy that throws the frisbee to the dog during halftime shows. Cousins was recently traded to the New Orleans Pelicans. The Pelicans have been slowly whittling away at Anthony Davis’ career like, well — like a racist uncle whittling a small statue of Jefferson Davis on a front porch outside New Orleans. Davis averages 27 points and 12 rebounds per contest. Davis is also shooting over 30% from three while averaging the mythological athleticism of a Pegasus. Davis and Cousins are now the front court of your racist uncle’s favorite team. Your racist uncle will love the Pelicans because Boogie was traded and Anthony Davis never demanded to be traded. They were at the will and whims of their management teams. Boogie can only hope his tendency to berate officials and teammates will be viewed through Caucasian-colored glasses as “grit” — the true mark of acceptance from racist uncles everywhere.