There Are So Many Things Better Than Lamarcus Aldridge

The San Antonio Spurs took a 3–2 series lead after a 116–103 win over the Memphis Grizzlies Tuesday night. Kawhi Leonard of course led the way for the Spurs with 28 points and great defense as always, but what did LaMarcus Aldridge do? LA scored 12 points on 13 shots and had 9 rebounds. Aldridge just got a four year deal with San Antonio for $84 million… is $84 million worth 12 points on 13 shots? Nope. Is $84 million worth 12 points on like say two shots? Yup. Well, LA didn’t have 12 points on two shots now did he? There are so many things and people better than LaMarcus Aldridge because who would want a power forward that’s inefficient and looks like Baloo from The Jungle Book? Tell me LA doesn’t look like Baloo from The Jungle Book.

First off, Baloo from The Jungle Book is soooooo much better than LaMarcus Aldridge. Baloo gave us the bear necessities song, and what’s better than the bear necessities song? I can’t think of anything better than the bear necessities song, or even The Jungle Book for that matter. Imagine the Spurs signing Baloo to a four year $84 million contract. Just imagine it for a second. NBA fans would finally think that the Spurs have lost it and Pop has actually melted his brain, but what would Baloo do alongside Kawhi Leonard? Baloo would average something a little lesser than Tim Duncan numbers something like 19 points and 10 boards a game, shooting around 57% from the field. Imagine the championships that Baloo and Kawhi would bring to San Antonio. Baloo’s possibilities with the Spurs are endless, and Baloo would be an incredible upgrade from LaMarcus Aldridge. Having Baloo in the NBA would be like having that bear that Jackie Moon fought in a ring in the movie Semi Pro, but even better because a bear is playing basketball.

The pain in my foot is much better than watching LaMarcus Aldridge play basketball. I went running last week and after the run I came in and watched some basketball, but I realized that there was sharp pain running through my foot. I still haven’t been to the doctor and the pain in my foot was mostly gone. Last night I decided to go on the longest run of my life and thought that my foot was fine. Turns out my foot is not fine and the pain has come back stronger than it was before. As a doctor (I'm not) I’ve decided that my foot has been broken in three different bones and that I’ll probably have to amputate my foot. That my friend, is better than watching LaMarcus Aldridge play basketball.

Hearing the news that Dwyane Wade had decided to leave the Miami Heat and sign with the Chicago Bulls was better than watching LaMarcus Aldridge play basketball. My beloved Dwyane Wade decided to get his “Kobe deal” since Pat Riley didn’t want to give it to him and set back the franchise, and all of it made sense. But the sheer hurt and pain inside my heart that Dwyane Wade wouldn’t be in a Heat uniform for the first time since I started watching basketball was overwhelming. I’m fairly certain I cried that night, and went home after some movie I saw and watched a bunch of Dwyane Wade highlights of him in a Heat uniform. That pain and suffering of watching my favorite player leave is so much better than watching LaMarcus Aldridge play basketball. 12 points on 13 shots? I might be able to put up 6 points on 20 shots and I'm a 5'8" white kid that has lost all sorts of hand eye coordination thanks to the sport of swimming.

Watching James Harden and the Houston Rockets beat my soulmate Russell Westbrook and the Oklahoma City Thunder in round one of the playoffs was better than watching LaMarcus Aldridge put up 12 points on 13 shots. Although, watching Russell Westbrook and James Harden play basketball is light years more fun than a lot of things, watching Russell Westbrook lose in the first round of the playoffs is no fun. And it’s still more fun than watching LaMarcus Aldridge play basketball. That’s how much I dislike watching him play basketball. I’d rather watch Greg Oden attempt to walk and play basketball with his uneven legs and his incredible non desire to play the sport of basketball than to watch LaMarcus Aldridge ruin the perfect San Antonio Spurs and Gregg Popovich.