The Worst Mock Draft on the Internet: Part II

Lawyer on Retainer: Bad marriage tier two — a bad fit

Pelicans, Pick 7: Malik Monk, Kentucky

How pissed do you believe Anthony Davis is on a regular basis? I had the worst series of thoughts about AD the other night. I worried that he was brooding concerning the plight of his franchise. Then I pictured him in some jazz spot in New Orleans; his body folded into a chair, willing himself to be invisible. What if his unibrow is no longer charming to fetching young women? I bet he doesn’t even shoot at nerf hoops with nephews. He probably drives around NOLA and smokes cigarettes as he idles next to a playground court. Oh God, he’s going to get into voodoo isn’t he? Davis is averaging 27 points and 12 rebounds, with over two blocks and one steal a game. His team is twelve games under .500. Lays eh lei wonton Kangaroo lay! Last year, the Pelis drafted Buddy Heild to space the floor for Davis. Hield had a terrible, no-good first third of the season. It appears he has righted the ship to a degree, but may never be a championship caliber running mate. Speaking of…

In a recent mock draft, Malik Monk was profiled by CBS Sports’ Gary Parrish. Parrish suggests that Monk could be the best scorer in the draft. At best, Parrish says, Monk could be a multiple time all-star. At worst — J.R. Smith. OMG, yes please! Even when impressed by Monk, one has to admit he takes an enormous number of “nononononono YES!” shots. The only thing better than J.R. Smith? Another J.R. Smith. (Full disclosure: I really like Malik Monk and think he’ll be one of the stars of this draft class. And I’m sad for Anthony Davis. Cigarettes are bad for you, AD, and presumably so is Voodoo).

Magic, Pick 5: Harry Giles, Duke

The poor Magic just keep throwing shit into the pot and it never comes out as stew. The only thing fun about the Magic is Elfrid Peyton’s hair. Is Aaron Gordon good? Who knows. I think Anthony Davis voodoo’ed Serge Ibaka. We should never forgive Scott Brooks for trying to salvage his OKC tenure by shifting Ibaka to the three point line. There is a reason Mike D’Antoni isn’t moving Clint Cappella to the fringes. Some dudes are meant to plant their flag in the paint like a gold prospector and dare others to challenge the claim. I thought Ibaka was destined to be a version of Dikembe Mutombo that didn’t sound like the cookie monster. During the massive Western Conference Finals last year against the Warriors, Ibaka blocked more than a shot a game and featured a block rate of 3.5%. This is after a season in which he spent far too much time writing love letters to the paint like a forlorn paramore.

Naturally, the Magic should draft Harry Giles — the forward from Duke whose tumble down the draft boards is akin to the Dread Pirate Roberts roll down the hill yelling “As Yooooouuuuuuu Wisssssshhhhhhh.” Everyone thought Giles was good. Greyson Allen taught him the secret Duke handshake that ends with being tripped and everything. Harry Giles may not be good. There’s no better place for him to have an ambiguous skill set than Orlando.

Heat, Pick 12: Justin Patton, Creighton

Patton is a 7'0" center playing in the Missouri Valley Conference, so stop berating yourself for any ignorance regarding his existence. Justin is the rare prospect who is kind of a one and done. He redshirted last season — at Creighton. He didn’t transfer from anywhere. He wasn’t violating NCAA rules. He was just apparently not good enough to ball with the likes of the Evansville Aces. I don’t mean to be unduly hard on Justin and he has shown good instincts in the pick and roll game, which is roughly 800% of modern NBA offenses. However, he is presumably 18 inches taller than other Mo Valley bigs and only averages six rebounds a game. He only takes one three every two games, so the rebounding numbers are not a result of his necessary stops at the arc. Another late blooming center in Miami. Pat Riley will roll over in his grave! What’s that? I’m being told Pat Riley is not in fact dead, and what I’m seeing on tv are not in fact oil paintings of Dracula but Pat Riley himself. The more you know, huh?

Hornets, Pick 14: Lonzo Ball, UCLA

Kemba Walker is a Marvel character. His superpower is his indefatigable confidence. He pulled an unlikely UConn team to an NCAA tournament championship in 2011, and refuses to admit the universal truth that Charlotte hasn’t mattered since the days of teal-dominant starter jackets. Kemba is an all-star, and deservedly so. All twelve people who follow the Hornets know this to be true. Kemba is the avatar for feeling oneself. Yet in California a family of basketball savants has been reared with the express purpose of rendering Kemba’s confidence quaint. I’m thoroughly convinced that Lonzo, LaMelo, LaLebron, LaMichaelJordan and the rest of the La’s father actually changed the family’s last name to “Ball” for the sake of synergy. Lonzo Ball is a freshman point guard at UCLA, where he regularly launches his wonky jumper from the training room (he has half the balls his little brother does). When the Hornets draft Ball, Kemba will immediately have to up his confidence. He will be the first player to refuse to cross half-court — on offense. The pressure of having another super hero on the squad will inspire even more shimmies. Kemba will have to start shimmying after made free throws. The shimmies will become more kinetic. He’ll dislocate a shoulder shimmying, but it won’t stop him. Reporters will find him in the bowels of the Spectrum Center simultaneously shimmying and weeping.

“Kemba,” they’ll say. “For the love of God, you have to stop shimmying!”

“I wish I could,” he’ll say. “You have no idea how much I wish I could.”

Lakers, Pick 3: Jayson Tatum, Duke

Are we sure Tatum and rookie Brandon Ingram aren’t the same person? 6’8” 205//6’9” 190? Decent swing guys without much more than potential and arms that together could wrap you in an octopus hug? They’re the same, right? Duke needs to simply ship players to LA so I can hate both teams without interruption. Oh, and La La Landsucked.