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Mock drafts are delightful. Analysts try to discern the best possible location for various prospects to land. Mock drafts are also boring. For the millionth time, I know Markel Fultz is good.
What if we identified the WORST possible selection a team could make?There are rules: with a few exceptions I used prospects currently ranked highly on multiple websites. I’m not pulling sixteen walk-ons from Sun Belt teams to occupy first round draft slots. Also, I’m only including the lottery eligible teams as of February 8th.
There is a trade (early) and I don’t care about finances. You don’t either.
There are three tiers of bad fits named after ill-fated marriages:
Mario Lopez cheats during his Honeymoon — the very worst of fits.
Lawyer on Retainer — a bad fit
Destined for a WASPISH 40 years of Barely Speaking — a poor fit.
Mario Lopez cheats during his Honeymoon: The worst tier
Suns, Pick 2: Frank Ntilikina, France
First of all, I love that foreign prospects have their country listed beside their name during the draft instead of their college. I picture the whole country of France carrying Ntilikina on their shoulders with the flag draped around him like a hero headed to America to make a name for himself. Old French women shoving loaves of bread in his hands for the trip. Men doffing caps. An impromptu dance at the Arc de Triomphe before he tearfully bids farewell, climbing onto a white stallion. The Suns ruin European point guards. Their eyes should wander no further than Canada. Phoenix is the pre-makeover female lead in high school movies from the early 2000’s. Guards need to leave Phoenix, learn how to contour makeup, and ditch their frumpy clothes.
Knicks, Pick 13: Miles Bridges, Michigan State
The Zen Master selects Miles Bridges, a combo forward from Michigan State. Bridges has shown range and a legitimate passion for defense this season. Here, jump in my time machine and let’s fast forward to next February. Melo is still grumbling around the Garden until he’s removed from the game by the hologram of Phil Jackson, which coaches the Knicks in 2018. Bridges enters the game and rotates on defense to draw a charge. On the other end, he moves constantly without the ball before crashing the boards and collecting a rebound long enough to throw it off the leg of some Plumlee. He works off a staggered screen on the inbounds and drills a corner three. The crowd erupts. Melo shakes his head and wags his finger before checking himself back in. Hologram Phil throws a hologram clipboard. Kobe makes that weird underbite face somewhere.
Kings, Pick 9: Robert Williams, Texas A&M
You didn’t even have to look him up to know he was a center, did you? Oh Kings, you dummies. Sacramento is the inspiration for this column. GM Vlade Divac recently promised they were not interested in trading human “should I have this last drink” internal discussion Boogie Cousins. Which means, of course, they are interested in trading a mercurial grizzly bear that plays the stretch-five. I want the best for Boogie. I want to wrap him up in a blanket of wings who can actually shoot and tell him he’s safe now, and that nobody will hurt him anymore. The Kings do not want the best for Boogie. DeMarcus Cousins has become the girl you dated and cheated on. Suddenly, you want her back so badly but you also hate her because she reminds you of the worst version of yourself. It’s not her fault you’re projecting, but it doesn’t change the situation. Poor Boogie. Just let him be happy.
Bucks, Pick 11: Rodions Kurucs, Barcelona (by way of Riga, Latvia)
Giannis Antetokounmpo is the Freakest of Greeks. I could approach this from a basketball standpoint, but I won’t. The Bucks desperately need shooters to space the floor to allow for more continent-bounding Giannis Euro steps and Jabari Parker’s “early Melo sans cornrows” impersonation (comeback player of the year lock in every even numbered year). The inverse would be another long forward with no jumpshot. What if Milwaukee drafted Latvian prospect Rodions Kurucs (who just happens to be a long forward…thanks universe!) and the dude BALLS OUT. People start calling him the Latvian Larry Bird or some shit and somebody dumb says, “He may be the best international player in the league” during a post game press scrum. We all know Giannis has a dark side (shoutout Mike Dunleavy Jr.). Well, he hears this and starts getting very proud of his Greek background. He starts answering reporters question’s in Greek, he always has The Republic by Plato placed prominently in his locker. He snaps one day and starts yelling that Latvia “WOULDN’T LAST A DAY IN THE HELLENIC LEAGUE!” Kurucs fires back, and they have to be separated. Greece declares war on Latvia. The Security Council to which both countries belong breaks down. Putin pleasure moans. WWIII.