But How Will They Look in the Jersey?

Advanced stats are fine. WAR, VORP, +RC, HPV, WWII — all helpful as means by which we can view sports through a more precise and insightful lens. It also helps those of us who could never hit a step-back jumper over a human with go-go-gadget arms feel as though we have special access to the impossible. Analytics offer fans the comfort of science in the midst of mythology. Thus new analytic acumen must figure heavily into asset swaps. An analytically driven investigation of each NBA trade made during the past ten days would be extremely interesting…

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Sorry I fell asleep.

Instead let's talk about what really matters — how will/do traded players look in their new uniforms. In fact, we can even build a metric to appreciate it a thoroughly* analytic level.

(*lolololololololol)

Fresh Swag Formula (FSF)

1. How does a player’s body look in the new uniform? 1–10
2. How does a player’s face look in the new uniform? 1–10
3. How does a player’s accessories (non tattoo category) look in the new uniform? 1–10
4. How does a player’s tattoos look in the new uniform? 1–10
5. Does the new uniform fit the player’s personality? 1–10
6. Does the new player improve upon the aesthetic of the team’s alternate jersey(s)?**

(**For example, LeBron looked amazing in every Cleveland alternate. He looked weird in every Miami jersey. They were too shimmery for a human death star.)

Two candidates for FSF met Thursday night. Let’s crunch the numbers!

DeMarcus Cousins//Pelicans

1.Boogie’s freeeeeeeeeeee! How does he look in the new uni? he looks like a man who finally shook that crazy lover. More specifically boogie looks good in the white Pelis jersey but will look even better in the dark blue. Cousins will never be a chiseled Ben Wallace type so white will continue to be a foe rather than a friend.

Score: 7

2. However Boogie’s joy is all that matters. The gold accents in the uniforms match the ray of sunshine pouring forth from his half-smile. ❤ you Boogie.

Score: 10

3. The black t-shirt looks dumb. We have proof of this because Anthony Davis already does this and it looks dumb. There’s a dude I play pick up with who is always skittish and throws passes waaaaay harder than necessary and parts his hair in the middle. He wears a black undershirt under our solid reversible jerseys and all it accomplishes is further indication that dude has no chill. The good news is that Boogie has several headband options as a member of the Pelicans.

Score: 4

4. Cousins is inked up. There is very little real estate left unless he wants to venture into Lil’ Wayne territory (coincidentally the territory that makes my Dad ask “wait, what is that? Is that an Alien? No I’m not joking, I’m seriously asking.” And then look around as though everything he’s ever been told about humanity is in flux). The New Orleans font somehow plays well with the tattoos.

Score: 8

5. Cousins yells and postures and is generally terrifying. Thus menacing designs would fit him best. His true sartorial soulmate is the Monstars uni from Space Jam.

Score: 3

6. It’s truly unfortunate that Boogie had to debut in the weird NOLA alternate the Pelicans foist upon the viewing public on occasion. In that image Boogie is pretty clearly asking “WTFU with these uniforms?” The NOLA alternate is the type of garb Disney animators draw for the big “we finally scraped enough money together to buy the poor kids new sports outfits” scene.

-sad face emoji or 0

Total FSF=32

Sweet Lou Williams//Rockets

Unfortunately for Lou Williams the Houston Chronicle has this image as their reference point for “Lou Williams Gets his Feet Wet”. Listen, that picture definitely shows Lou getting something somethinged but it sure isn’t his feet.

Lou also happened to score 27 points last night as the Rockets begin their attempt to stealth bomber their way to a title.

1. Lou is slight. Apparently there is a rule in the NBA that every six man must have the same BMI of Jamal Crawford. Of course this excludes Houston’s 6+ man Eric Gordon. Who looks like Nien Nunb. You don’t know Nien Nunb? Yes you do. Tell me you don’t see it…

At any rate Williams looks a bit swallowed in the Houston whites. The odd piping the Rocket’s display on the sides of the shorts and jersey’s create a weird optical illusion that makes everyone but Dwight Howard look less muscular. And if you’re doing something that’s only good for Dwight Howard you’re doing the wrong thing.

Score: 4

2. Williams has a very narrow face. It’s not quite “gazing at the edge of a triangle” narrow but it is “put it on the prow of a ship to bust ice in the arctic” narrow. If Williams ever breaks his nose they won’t use a plastic mask, a trainer will just hand him the corner of a cardboard box and say “go get em.”

Score: 3

3. The only accessory Lou “wears” is his mustache/goatee combo. It’s fine. They aren’t connected because the mustache had to learn how to stand on his own. Or they dated the same girl and there was a falling out. Or they were in a band together but no band needs two lead singers with ego issues and cocaine habits. At any rate they exist in proximity but not symbiosis.

Score: 2

4. Houston’s primary font is pretty dumb. Thus it’s hard for tattoos to really play off it in any way. However the jerseys are also quite simply so tattoos can really shine. Lou has an incredibly admirable commitment to being tattooed. He has tattoos in his armpit area which seems significantly painful. Sometimes it burns when I use deodorant. I can’t imagine what having a checkered flag tattooed in your underarm feels like. You can also see Lou has “success” tattooed on the inside of his right arm. I like straightforward tattoos like that. I know what Lou’s about.

Score: 7

5. Lou will put up shots. The entire concept of the Rocket’s uniform is verticality. This works well. Lou is goin’ up. Praises goin’ up. Weird artistic appropriations of Rockets goin’ up.

Score: 10

6. This jersey is a work of art. It’s impossible to look bad in it. The other Houston alternate is a black jersey which is whatevs. Lou is yet to wear either but I have no doubt he will look smashing in both.

Score: 8

FSF: 32

Later we will do this with Andrew Bogut and Doug McDermott and both scores will be in the negative.