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Tweets and Ink

The Oral History of Kevin Durant's Twitter Mishap; As Told By His Tattoos

By Jared WheelerPublished 7 years ago 3 min read
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A little over a week ago, Kevin Durant made a mistake. Which mistake he made is still debated. Did he A) Forget to log out of a burner Twitter account before commenting on a fan's question, or B) Answer said question in third person which made him sound like a ancient egomaniacal ruler? My guess is KD is in full "couldn't offer fewer shits" mode and doesn't care what the world thinks (though he apologized for suggesting he and Russell Westbrook were the only redeemable members of the Thunder during his tenure in Oklahoma City). In the maelstrom that has become the NBA offseason of late (CARMELO to OKC! DWADE to CLEVELAND!), it's important to remember just how interesting and odd the KD's Twittergate was. To remind us is an oral history of the event, through the prescient eyes of Durant's body art.

Tupac (Left Lower leg): Clapback. Pure and simple. I didn't hesitate for a moment. KD has been hearing these chickens chirp for a year now. A YEAR. Y'all understand greatness when you see it? You understand the man became the greatest player in the league right? Blam. Gotcha.

Dove (Right Chest): CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Angel Holding Basketball (Back): When thou facest trials, thou must transcend one's earthly emotions and rise to a sphere of peace and tranquility and the wettest of hesi-jimbos. Kevin did not harken to my advice.

Tupac: How can you let all that shit go? Tell me? Folks have been yappin at KD for a year and y'all want the high road? Shiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

Jesus (Along with misspelled quote on Durant's back): Bruuuuhhhhhhh. "Cool out," that's exactly what I told him when he read the tweet. What good is it for a man to gain flame emojis but forfeit his soul?

Angel: Tormented. He hast long been tormented. Troll-Demons have plagued the languid demi-god of transition threes. Can you see into a man's soul whilst at a press conference? Can you know his hurt?

Rick James (Left Thigh): "Ooh, baby, I can understand your worries and your problems/Trying to be a rising star..." I sang that to Kevin when I saw him reach for his phone.

Dove: caaaaaaaaa aaa aaaaaa

Rick James: Of course of course, the dove and I sang together.

Jesus: The dove was straight cash. Rick... well Rick hadn't sung in a bit.

Rick James: Jesus?! Y'all know Jesus can't spell right?

Tupac: KD is straight west-coastin'. He's here. People want the dude that built playgrounds in the midwest but that cat is gone. He's drippin' westside now.

Angel: PGC until the day one expires my dude.

Jesus: I really thought we had moved past all this. Kevin is typically so chill! He rides bikes now! (Whispers) I really think it's all related to his body image because he's so thin.

Rick James: Sing! La-du-da-da-du-da-dahh/Sing! La-du-da-da-du-da-dahh

Jesus: Yeah that second round of singing from Rick was not super helpful.

Tupac: When KD is thoughtful and kind he's not a winner to y'all. When He's ruthless he's a monster to y'all. When he's quiet he doesn't have "killer instinct." You wanted a killer? You got em. Now you expect him to just turn that off!? Let me ask you this: What would Russ have to do to make y'all go after him like y'all go after KD? Shoot a penguin?

Dove: CAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

Angel: Once the tweets were rendered, there was darkness in the land.

Jesus: Repentance. Naturally. I counseled repentance.

Tupac: (Flashing a beautiful Tupac grin) Sure... repent. (chuckles)

Jesus: As someone said once before, "settle matters quickly with an adversary" and "don't let the sun go down on your anger." You guys know who said that...

...it was me.

Angel: Perhaps, once amends have been made, our Prince can return to his loping grace and a game that dazzles both near and far from the tin.

Rick James: You wouldn't even talk to me/said I'm so crazy/Coming home intoxicated/I said I just wanna love ya

Dove: Caaa.

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About the Creator

Jared Wheeler

I teach philosophy, religious studies and communication at a small college. I am a dad and husband and spouter of multiple opinions. @jaredawheeler

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