How the 2017 NBA Dunk Contest Will Go

Tonight Aaron Gordon, DeAndre Jordan, Derrick Jones Jr., and Glenn Robinson III will be competing in the NBA’s Verizon Slam Dunk Contest, and the field may be underwhelming to you by looking at those names, but I assure you this year’s dunk contest may go a little differently than you think (or a whole lot).

As you probably know, Zach LaVine is not participating in this year’s contest, and tragically ended his season with an ACL tear. I know you were looking forward to a Zach LaVine vs. Aaron Gordon 2.0 because trust me, I was severely disappointed when LaVine said he wouldn’t participate and eventually tore his ACL, which saddened me more. But somehow, some way, LaVine emerges from the ashes of a torn ACL, and appears down in the Big Easy as Gordon wows us with his first round dunk. LaVine will then reveal the knee brace on his knee, then he will start running onto the court as his braces fall off — Forrest Gump style. He will rip off his leather jacket and have a throwback Kevin Garnett Timberwolves jersey on and complete the first 1080 windmill dunk and New Orleans, Twitter, and ESPN will absolutely go bonkers. LaVine moves onto round two.

After the entire world grabbed their inhalers and recovered from their experience with the first ever 1080 windmill dunk from LaVine, Spud Webb circa 1986 shows up in his red Atlanta Throwback red jersey and short shorts. The arena and everyone watching is absolutely discombobulated by this because this looks like Spud Webb from 1986. Yeah, that’s right, we got time travel abilities now within a day, and they don’t mess up the future or the past. We NBA 2k’d Spud Webb into this dunk contest. Webb walks up to the ball as the clock starts and being 5'7" everyone knows he can dunk, but it’s even more spectacular live than anyone could’ve ever imagined. Webb performs the little man tomahawk jam, but actually missed because he jumped over the backboard and soared into the stands. He will not move into round two, unfortunately.

The final round comes around and we will have Zach LaVine, Aaron Gordon, and a mysterious pair of figures start to walk out of the home locker room tunnel in the Smoothie King Arena. You remember the whole NBA 2k time machine thing? Well, 2k really did it this time. They brought back Michael Jordan and Dominique Wilkins from the 1988 Slam Dunk Contest. While all the little kids are a little confused from the Spud Webb thing, they realize who Jordan is and go absolutely ballistic. Wilkins doesn’t get very much attention from the little ones, due to him not being Michael Jordan. The entire 1988 dunk contest plays before our eyes until something spectacular happens. Jordan takes off from the half court line. His Bulls jersey is shed, and his Tune Squad jersey is revealed. His arm stretches from the half court take off point and just like in Space Jam, creates the most unfathomable dunk in the history of dunks. EVER.

The NBA has no idea who to hand the trophy to, that they end up hiding the trophy away from every contestant. Twitter is thrown into a frenzy due to this NBA 2k time machine and the miraculous Jordan stretch dunk. The arena is silent. No one knows what just happened, and they aren’t questioning it. The NBA decides to cancel the All-Star Game due to everyone’s minds being blown. And that, my friends, is how tonight’s dunk contest will go.