Everyone Is Breaking up With Melo

Carmelo Anthony entered the NBA in 2003. That year he also ente — nope, whoops — started dating something called a La La who was a “v-jay”. I promise all of those syllables made so much sense in 2003. They seemed…happy-ish? Our societal rules for observing celebrity couples have never refined themselves beyond the extremes of worship and schadenfreude. They were together and it was a thing and they got married on TV.

Guys. Carmelo and La La aren’t going to make it. They’ve separated. Personally I find the twitteratti’s willingness to comment on folks’ marriages abhorrent (really) so I refuse to posit suspicions regarding the cause for the split. It happened, I’m sad.

April 14th Carmelo’s other domestic relationship may have imploded. Phil Jackson, who should simply announce “I’m baaaaaaaked you guys” before every press conference suggested that Anthony would be better off on another team. Exactly zero people were surprised at anti-uncle Phil’s opinion, though his frank declaration was simultaneously refreshing and absurd.

Melo is in a bad place. I want to help him. You want to help him. Here are ten steps Carmelo can take to reckon with his all-encompassing singleness.

1. Collab with T-Swift. That girl knows breakups.
2. Start an Etsy online store. Seems like a thing brokenhearted people do.
3. Find out where Chris Paul is going to sign next year and buy property. You and CP3 on the same team would basically be the Clint Eastwood yelling at invisible Obama of basketball.
4. Check the space left on LeBron’s coattails.
5. Feud with LaVarr Ball. Demand that he remove the “melo” portion of son LaMelo’s name.
6. Grow the cornrows so long. Like down to the butt! Post break-up hair is a time-honored tradition. Don’t shave it, don’t color it, let it flow.
7. Write a memoir that is just a flip-book cartoon of you punching Phil Jackson.
8. Eat with George Karl and post a picture of the two of you on social media #nonewfriends
9. Get so into yoga.
10. Go on Ellen.