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An Expert Weighs in on Trump's Pardon

To better understand Donald Trump's presidential pardon the Unbalanced has turned to one of the world's most famous criminals.

By Jared WheelerPublished 7 years ago 5 min read
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Recently inflatable leather handbag Donald Trump used his presidential pardon to save the erstwhile sheriff of Maricopa county in Arizona. Joe Arpaio (known to Trump's denizens as "Sheriff Joe" like some sort of animated lawman) is a phenomenal sheriff – If a phenomenal sheriff brutalizes prison inmates, antagonizes them proudly, engages in abuse and keeps them in horrifying conditions in an effort to reduce their sense of humanity. Ol' gunslinging Sheriff Joe even bragged about creating a concentration camp. Yet it wasn't Arpaio's fetish for medieval approach to incarceration which placed him in need of a pardon. Instead it was Joe's tendency to be an teensy bit racist.

Once he put a man in jail for thirteen days...

...for not using a turn signal.

It should be noted that the man was Latino. Sheriff Joe is not what one would call progressive in his views regarding immigration, especially when the immigrants are...browner than he is. If you want to be miserable and feel generally worse about life please feel free to dig into the manners and methods of Joe Arpaio. However we at Unbalanced felt as though we needed to turn to someone on the wrong side of the law to give us the right perspective on President Trump's pardon.

I sat at a small conference table in the secret Unbalanced headquarters opposite my subject. He refused refreshments (in his defense I only offered him a few of my corn nuts and a sip of my SOBE LifeWater) and glanced frequently to his lawyer standing a few feet to his left.

Jared Wheeler: Thank you so much for speaking with me today. I'm sorry I have to begin this way, but how would you like to be addressed? Mr. Burglar? Hamburglar?

Hamburglar: You can call me Steve.

JW: ...Sure. Steve(?).

HB: (shaking his head) Idiot. My name isn't Steve. You can call me Hamburglar.

JW: Okay. Makes sense. Sorry, it's just hard to read your expression considering the fact that it...um...doesn't...change...

HB: It's a condition (looks at the lawyer, lawyer makes the "be cool" motion with his hands).

JW: Of course – Let's move on. Have you heard the news of Donald Trump's decision to pardon controversial sheriff Joe Arpaio?

HB: I did. I have been...in transition. Some news has a way of finding you though. This was that kind of news.

JW: What are your thoughts?

HB: On Trump or the racist sheriff?

JW: Either.

HB: Listen man. I'm here because my lawyer told me it would rehabilitate my image or some shit. You want me to be an analyst? You want me to be Anderson goddamn Cooper? You know what I've seen on the inside? Can you imagine the friends I've turned to enemies for a pack of smokes or a deck of cards? CAN YOU?

JW: Again, I'm sorry, I can't tell if you're being sarcastic because of the..(pushes corners of mouth up with fingers)...I think we here at the Unbalanced just want to know how it feels to be a person constantly on the verge of or in the grips of the penal system when a man like Joe Arpaio receives a pardon.

HB: Are you surprised Trump did this? Really. Ask yourself that question. The guy called Mexicans rapists and drug dealers and promised to cage them like animals. Joe Arpaio is the patron saint of anti-Latino Racism. Joe Arpaio's racism is Donald Trump's racism on steroids. Joe Arpaio's racism is the racist bouncer at the racist club Donald Trump's racism is trying to get into but Joe Arpaio's bouncer racism is all like "Nah man, come back with hunnies...BUT MAKE 'EM WHITE HUNNIES."

JW: So are you suggesting Arpaio is the villain in this story?

HB: The justice system isn't an episode of Law and Order man. You want good guys and bad guys but it's never that simple! Which am I?

JW: ...wrongly accused?

HB: Hell yes I'm wrongly accused! I love something. That's my crime. I love something so much it makes me crazy. Makes me lay awake at night. Cost me my family, my fiancé, every one of my friendships. Made me do things I will never be able to erase or forget. It's funny the way your senses attach themselves to memories. I can't smell or taste a burger now without being pummeled by guilt.

JW: So you've given up burgers?

HB: ...beef-like product is a helluva drug.

JW: You mentioned doing things you wished you could forget...

HB: (looks toward the lawyer. Lawyer shakes head slowly) Mistakes were made.

JW: Such as?

HB: MISTAKES WERE MADE.

JW: Right. So. Perhaps we should get back on topic--were you excusing Trump's apparent irresponsible use of the pardon?

HB: Hell no. I remember at trial looking into Ronald's (ed.'s note: McDonald) face and thinking "I don't see my friend in there. I can only see a mask."

JW: Well that was his thing...he was...a clown...

HB: We had been so close, but ultimate power does corrupt absolutely. Arpaio is the reason our justice system exists. Not guys like me. Donald Trump could have let Arpaio simmer, earned himself a few points with the Democrats and moderate Republicans heading into agenda items like Tax and immigration reform. But Trump is a fiend for identity politics. Like most fiends he doesn't even realize what he's doing--he just needs the fix.

JW: Wow, how much of your own story comes into your mind when you say that?

HB: ...Mistakes were made.

JW: One final question, Mr. Burglar, do you feel as though you deserve a pardon?

HB: (Sighs, slumps) Ask anyone in the joint and they'll tell you they deserve to be out. I wish I could be free. I'm here because of a judge's special dispensation on my behalf. Tomorrow I'll be back working on my GED between shifts in the mess hall--

JW: Your GED? Mozel!

HB: Yeah, thanks. My case is so public though, you know? I realize it's complex. But I've paid my debt. How long have I been considered a criminal? Decades. I'm not sure I'll ever be anything but a Hamburglar...the Hamburglar. Yes. Yes I deserve a presidential pardon.

JW: I mean, when you consider that every year even a turkey...

Lawyer: We're done here.

satire
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About the Creator

Jared Wheeler

I teach philosophy, religious studies and communication at a small college. I am a dad and husband and spouter of multiple opinions. @jaredawheeler

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